So I had a show…
of my original songs in which embarrassingly I recently seem to lose all possible faith – my only children: my hug-songs.. and I have been such a bad mother..
If you have read my previous post, you know that – well let’s just say I kind of stopped hoping any of friends would ever make it to one of my shows 😉 Which is kind of good, because I would like to try to hope that my music could just touch some people & people would like it for its sake, and not come as my friends to help me feel better when I lose faith.. So it did not bother me at all. I kind of planned a pause on live gigs (because ‘ no one ever came’ anyway, and well some people I admire, like Stina N, never play live anyway ..) & focus on starting fundraising – via pledge music – for my EP recording project. Thing I was meant to do months ago but well then the faith thing started happening and well.. one gets always busy in London right? (especially when you are good at perfectionism & procrastination 😉. So for tonight I kind accepted some time ago not many may actually make it to the show… but then a friend said she would come. AND bring a friend. And another long lost friend got back in touch saying it was her birthday and she would make her birthday do in the pub where the show was taking place. And another suddenly decided to show up. with a friend too. AND another who did not even say he would show up, did show up and brought a friend AS WELL. and one more… I could safely say half of the pub audience were my friends or friends of friends of my friends’ friends… all waiting for me to play and sing MY songs! Unfortunately things got a bit complicated.. from slot nr 2, I got relegated to slot nr 4. And the whole thing started late anyway… and then band nr 1 : proper hard core rock or metal (i don’t really know, but it s so noisy you cannot hear your own thoughts nor the lyrics of the song, it is basically pure noise but noisier 🙂 took over 20 minutes to set up, or even 30 minutes except that we were told we all have 20 minute slots… And then there was a break.. and friends of my friends were all nice normal people who have to sleep at some point and before then, get home somehow (without the help of night tube, yet 😉 . I wasn’t stressed about performing… I was stressed about some nice polite strangers who decided to spend some of their precious time with their friend (whose birthday it was) but who then decided to wait because that friend promised them it is worth waiting.. but they had to wait and wait and wait, throught ridiculously noisy pseudo rock something.. and i could not even reassure them or properly apologise because one, not even myself trying to save my voice, could not say a word without shouting… It all got so late, one band before me was barely setting up (again taking ages!) well past 10 pm when I was assured I would perform before then.. and then they played more and more. well past the statutory 😉 20 minutes.. I don’t care they supposedly came from middle of nowhere in Stratfordshire – they brought 3 people, I – yeah i know, me :O  brought over half of the pub so they could have flown from Australia, after 25 minutes dudes, it s time to go… but then they played again.. and not even their own song, just some cover like a wedding band at the shittiest wedding of the century that no one is listening to so they enjoy the time on stage so much they play any crap that comes for their own noisy pleasure… I think I was very close to biting someone or punching them in the face… And my poor friends and friends of friends – well some started to leave 🙁 – bless them for waiting anyway. and some waited outside to be able to actually talk, and not scream to each others’ ears… Finally 11 pm :O I was allowed to play.. This time I was told the venue had keyboard, and I only had to bring sustain cable.. My own keyboard – light yamaha 31 one is well… not the greatest keyboard, and if I can avoid playing it, I … avoid it 🙂 I used to live in a house with a grand piano so well my yamaha, just…. makes you want to smash it from 10th floor of a big building when you reminiscence of your grand piano time. But the keyboard I got to play tonight? Well another level of… (&&%*&$%$$$%$ insert a bad word:). Ok for bands who use keys as a background few notes, for someone whose main instrument is KEYS – well, it was a little bit stressful 😉 . And the sustain – did not work, AT ALL. BUT I had an audience who waited so long, I had to give my best.. Even if I made tons of mistakes and my fingers slipped so much on tiny keys of the tiny keyboard. Even if I could not really properly hear myself and I felt like everything was not so great… Even if I was sad that some people left and gosh it was all so late.. and I was so different from the noisy (but professional and well trained) bands who played before and for whom the other half of the pub came tonight. I forgot to check – right before coming on stage – the gabby bernstein thought of the day application, but I can tell you now it simply said : ” I am safe in this world “.
And indeed I was. I gave my best despite feeling like I am sounding crap.
I made mistakes I stumbled… but – to my surprise – the whole room clapped and the very kind and nice friends of friends of friends told me it was supposedly ‘ amazing’ as if all their hours of waiting were well worth it.
But the best part came at the end: young singer from that super noisy band that annoyed the shit out of me for playing so long right ahead of me & delaying me, came up to me & – I know he had to be honest because there is no way in heaven & hell he could enjoy the kind of music I write & he is far too young to try to chat me up – whispered: ‘.Your voice is incredible, your set was amazing’.

It felt… so weird… to have my ‘children’ hug-songs defend themselves so well/ Even if their mother lost the faith for a sec 😉
‘We are safe in this world’.. And everything is going to be ok.

THANK YOU all massive amazing people who came <3
Hope to share the recorded EP with you soon 🙂 Details will be on

ps I used to only use fb for networking & raising awareness of some issues, & this is so freaking private.. oh what the hell, I am safe so wink emoticon