So today I had a show…
Seems normal but actually only last year & unplanned I suddenly became a ‘band’ on my own & got forced to also become a pianist after nearly 20 years of not touching the keys..And this time, the show was in an old stinky pub round the corner… Sadly as most times they did not have a piano so I had to drag down my mini (=sounding sh**) shaky keyboard & pretend I can play it…
And, as usual, with so many friends that “so much want to see me live blah blah”, no one could make it… Ok London is big & there s so many much more fun things to do 🙂 & when there is deluge outside – like tonight – it does not encourage you to go anywhere let alone cross the river 😉 but even though you know & understand it all, it still hurts when you realise after 10 years none of the people you know can show up at your show
((thank you so so so SO much to all who ever came to my shows!!!
I was nearly physically ill – I knew I could still run away, & I kept asking myself why I keep doing it to myself: why I keep playing live on shit keyboard? Why do I keep sharing my songs at all? when maybe it s all sh** & I should have stopped ages ago…
WHY? I promised I would NEVER do it again. EVER.
In nervousness, I panicked & texted a friend to feel better. Aren’t you supposed to share things & ask for help ? Some silly human idea, alien in me thought It was a male friend, to be precise, who had a sh** week himself.
Dear humans: BIG fail. Not only I only annoyed him, when he tried to – in his own male 😉 way make me feel better – but at the same time he, unconsciously — this time really I think, but don’t they i.e men always – ‘never mean to hurt you’ as if ghosts took over their mouths & bodies? 😉 –made me feel super sh** & nearly cry in my own little bedroom right before getting ready…Great – a friend makes you feel you are far too fu**ed up & don’t belong & should have never got born, right before you set off to present your art? Awesome! :).
It was getting worse & worse & with every second I knew about more & more people who would not make it.. I got to the venue & realised every single person including its resident rats would rather prefer some party radio Elvis tunes than me belting out singer songwriter delicate folk with a sh** keyboard.. But I gave my word & so I had to do it. Right before the show, I looked at #spiritjunkie Gabby Bernstein’s thought for the day. For Friday 14th Aug 2015, it read: ” I show up for life with love, passion & service”. I sat down on my piano stool & thought that no matter how sh** I feel now, how shaky my hands are, how everything seems wrong, how out of place I feel, how hot it gets under stage light, I will just sing my songs, do my best & try to serve in this very moment regardless of how ridiculous it all seems… At times, a few men playing pool right by my side, were complaining about me right in the middle of the song.. but I kept on going, smiling, just doing my thing, as if it was NOT ME to judge it all, as if it was a service I was meant to deliver, regardless of how excruciating it felt…
I am happy to report that the audience loved it & clapped a lot ((( even though everyone wanted some party music for Fri night right afterwards :)))
A couple from Poland came up to me saying they did not plan to even visit the pub but passed by & were very happy to have done so & I made their day (thank you!!). A young gentleman from Ireland told me he really enjoyed my songs. But the best part was, a slightly older man – who (I may be wrong) – seemed to have a disability of some kind – kept praising me & my music saying “it was all incredible” & I could see on his face that he meant every word & my mini humble show really made him happy.
It did not matter that I felt sick right before, that I made so many! mistakes, that I still think my keyboard is crap, that I still cannot really play it, that I give up on my music 7 times per hour. I served & it made some people smile..
I do not know what will happen with my music – I plan to raise funds to record few songs & send to record companies later on this summer. I always dreamed of sharing music & communicating with the world that way – music saves my life every day, makes me happy & makes me feel understood. I simply could not live without it & it would be a dream to make a living out of it & sharing my humble compositions. SHARING – proving that we do not have to be alone & that we can get saved by love & sharing. But it is very difficult, and so often I doubt it & lose hope it ever made sense for me to write anything at all.
I still do not know what will happen.. but for now – and isn’t now all that matters? – I know I was blessed to serve & to make someone smile..
ps. Below me celebrating with a cocktail bought for me by one friend who did come & crossed the river for me 🙂 thank you Guy! and btw next show one is on Sep 2nd in Euston.. I am already ‘very excited’ about it 😉